Trust is not something you can give right away. Its something that is earned and should be taken care of. Its not something you neglect and not something you just put aside and just pick up when you feel like having it back.
In my life I've learned the value of trust. And for as long as i've had it and gained it from people i believe i have held it with a tight grip, never letting it go and never neglecting it.
How come there are people who you thought you trusted, who you fought for, who you shared your life with who suddenly broke that trust?! You believed everything they said because you trusted them. And then with just one snap of a finger you realize and witness that they were untrue. I guess its one of the cruel things that life brings us. You cant expect anything from a person unless you really really can prove that they should be trusted. Words are not enogh sometimes. you have to see for yourself if the truthfulness of a person is really in them.
Ive been through so much betrayal and lies in my life already that at times i just cant seem to find people who i can really trust. Sometimes i just keep things to myself so that i wont get betrayed or let other people talk behind my back. Masakit!
Sometimes naman we think that people trust us ayun pla they dont. All the time we are with them. Most of the time they tell you everything then one day you realize that they are keeping something from you. Something that is not really worth keeping. Masakit din.
I think ive been through all those scenarios. What did i do?! nothing. I just kept my mouth shut and allowed things to just pass and live my life as if nothing happened. Why should i dwell on things not worthy to be dwelled upon dba. anyway siguro during those times na ngyayari yung mga ganong bagay a part of me really gets hurt. Sometimes its very visible sometimes i just smile as if wlang nangyari. I dont allow myself to get so angry. sayang lang ang galit ko. I just move on with my life and try to find people worth trusting.
Although i have a lot of issues about trusting people still life has been good to me coz somehow i still found genuine friends who i can say are really trustworthy. Siguro im just pouring out these emotions right now because recently some friends who i thought trusted me are keeping something from me and some friends pla di mko dapat basta paniwalaan ang mga sinasabi nila coz some things theyve said are all lies. Still I am still tankfull for some who are worthy of friendship and trust. Thank you guys. you know who you are.
Yun lng po.
Aus talaga! Masaya ba guys?! "San Miguel May J***g*fest". Saya noh. Nais ko lang ibahagi ang karanasan sa mga taong di namin nkasama nung gabing Oktoberfest. Sayang wala kau at hindi nio naranasan ang pagpila sa npakahaba at napakasikip na pila doon. Astig pa tlaga ang mga tao at cool na cool talaga. Diba guys (aena, gox, kc, bart, ben, Kuya D pati narin denchie at chuck). Astig pa ang banda. Nadun si jaya, bituin at anna fegi all rolled into one and si paolo santos na nagra-rap pla. Astig tlaga. Singing to the tune of "toya toya toya TWING TWING TWING" ahahaha! malufet! enjoy tlga ang mga tao sa tugtugan, batuhan ng beer, hubaran at siksikan. Samahan mo pa ng samu't saring usok ng hotdog, bbq, at churizo. Sayang tlga at di nakasama ang ibang sa ibang klaseng karanasan namin doon. Sayang at di nkasunod ang mga taong akala namin ay susunod :). Jahe nga at umalis kmi ng maaga... bkit nga ba tau umalis?! ahahaha. Pagalis pa mas lalong enjoy nang may pumisil sa pw** ko nung ngsisiksikan kmi palabas. Aus pla eh diba. I feel exploited. :( Ngunit di natapos ang pagenjoy namin nung umalis kmi doon. Tumungo pa kmi kna Benigs. Naglakad mula Sm habang may kasamang puputok na ang bladder sa sobrang kaihian. Naiihi na eh nkuha pang bumili muna ng manok. Aus tlga. Tunay na masay pagdating na kna Ben. Masarap ang ksama, samahan mo pa ng mg matatalik na mgkakaibigan eh enjoy tlga. Sayang at sandali lang. Pero aus parin ksi bawat segundo ay puno ng kaligayahan. Ok dba.
haaayyy la na ko masabi... natulala lng ako sa oktoberfest! bwahahaha!
RED CANDLE
I sit alone by the pane
As I see the setting sun
Light slowly fades
and darness envelops
my tiny world
I stay in the stillness of silence
and yearn for some glow
I search
and bump at every corner
of my isolation to find light
I take hold of something
something thats seems to be red
in my eyes and i light it up
It soon sparks up
my small, lonely space
and gives a silvery glitter
to my drowning eyes.
It rains on my cheeks
and i feel myself
melting away with what i was holding
I pause
and thought of
the apathy of time
How cruel it can be
how fast time passes
how deep the pain it caused
My own light starts to fade away
i am left with nothing
but a bruised chest
I blow the light.
With the smoke it forms,
I fly into silence
and darkness
Never to return
-CALOI
In life there are some things that totally changes your being. Once It passes you can never bring it back or you can nevr bring back what you have lost in you. You struggle to bring everything back but it seems like everything you do is not enough.
I've lost a part of me in one instance in my life. I liked who i was before then it happened. Somebody took away what i loved and what i held important in my life. Then everything changed. I was changed. I really dont know why i changed or why it affected me so bad. All i know is that at first i blamed...somebody. In time i realized I had to blame myself. I blame myself because i brought it upon me. Partly it was somebody else' fault but come to think of it, why did i let it or what happened, change me?! Did i make the wrong move? wat i wrong the whole time? Up to now i dont know.
Some people say that in some aspects i am a much better person but some say i amn not. I no longer know what to believe in and i dont trust much anymore. What happened to me? I want what i had lost. I miss who i was but i like who i am no as well. Can't i have it both. I guess not.
God only knows when the time will come when i would be totally happy with who i am. i love myslef but i love what i had as well. Maybe someday soon i can have it back... I really dont know.
ang sarap kumawala sa buhay buhya minsan. yung tipong wla kang iniisip, walang inaalala. Nagawa ko yun the past few days. Nagbakasyon sa mejo malayong lugar. Ang sarap ng pakiramdam ko. for three days wala akong nakasama kundi ang aking mga matatalik na mga kaibigan at kami ay nagpakasaya. Walang inisip kundi anong kakainin mamaya, or anong iinumin or pano magsiswiming or anong oras magbibilyar or saang kama matutulog dhil ang daming pwedeng higaan.Napakasarap magmuni-muni (kahit walang moon hahaha *wink*) unang araw na pagtapak sa malawak na lugar na un ay kami'y nagliwaliw. Sarap maglakad ng malayo. Doon ko lng naranasan yun. Yung khit gaano kalayo ung nilakad, Aus lang sapagkat masaya at enjoy talaga. Paminsan-minsan naiisip ko ang ibang tao na hindi ko kasama sa mundo naming iyon. ang ibang kaibigan na hindi nakasama (pero dapat sana ksama grrrr). Ang mga kapamilya kong magserbisyo na ilang araw ko ring di nakasama, naisip ko rin na sana kasama ko sila doon kung saang tunay na enjoy tlga! sna nandun sila. Naisip ko rion ang nakaraang araw na kaarawan ko at ang mga taong nang-gulat sakin ng ala una ng umaga na khit lasing at krong krong ay pumunta parin sa bhay at bumati (salamat sa inyo). haaaayyy.
tatlong araw na puro kasiyahan ang naisip. Tatlong araw na puno ng *** (ahahaha), alak, swimming, bilyar, baraha, *** sa kama, pagkain galore, Isang araw na ***urat (diba buds), talong araw na pagnanature trip, pagsisimba, pag "sugar cane" and everything. Ang saya
Sa mga kasama ko kau ang lubos na nkakaintindi nung ligaya! sayang at natapos. sa uulitin naman diba (LA LOPA) ahahaha!.
Tunay ngang masarap na kumawala paminsan minsan. It gives you time to relax. Ang sarap ng pakiramdam na parang wala kang iniisip at walang pakialam.
Noong paalis na kami naisip namin, "ano kayang nangyari sa mundo nung wala tau?" nakakatuwa ksi khit papaano may pakialam parin kmi. Paguwi may bahid ng lungkot ngunit masaya narin dhil kamiy kumawala sa mundo khit saglit. Ngaung "back to reality" na aus lng. Mas handa na at mas peaceful na (sa tinggin ko) ang paglalakbay sa buhay. diba drunk budz?! sa uulitin!!!!
Age is just a number right?! It doesn't really define the maturity of a person. Siguro 20 na nga ako pero sa ibang cases kung mag-isip para paring bata at sa ibang pagkakataon I act beyond my years. So sa totoo lng para sa akin wla tlga ang edad. La lng naisip ko lng.
Anyway, it is my birthday today but sa totoo lang i dont see anything special about this day. Parang wala lng. depressing noh?! siguro nga. Maybe its because a lot of things are bothering me. Ganda kasi ng timing birthday ko pa. hehe. Pero still i see these "bothersome" stuffs as a blessing. Siguro it'll make me mature and feel more special once i get through all of this. Pero khit na may bahid ng kalungkutan sa kaarawan ko, natutuwa parin ako sapagkat maraming nkaalala sakin. Di ko nga akalain na maaalala ng iba ang kaarawan ko. May mga taong bumati sa akin na pagkatagal-tagal ko nang ndi nakikita. Gaya halimbawa ng bestfriend ko na nsa Australia, o gya ni Liz, ni kay, ni Kristina (na nsa probinsya). Basta napakarami. Nakakatuwa pa nga knina... Natulog kasi ako ng maaga-aga kgabi. I slept at around 11:30 tpos nagising ako ng mg 12:40 pagtinngin ko sa cellphone ko... Aba 28 messages received. la lng nakakatuwa.
Nabubuhayan ang loob ko dhil naiisip ko na maraming nagmamahal sakin. Maraming nais akong mkasama (khit d pwede), maraming nasa likuran ko pag ako'y bumagsak. haaayyy... sarap nga tlga plang mag-birthday. I'm not saying the world revolves around me at di naman ako nagpapaka-conceited, masarap lng ang pakiramdam na ganito. Yung sa isang araw khit mabigat ang mundo mo, khit gaano pa man khirap ang buhay at sa tinggin mo walang special sa araw na ito.. ay mararamdaman mong special ka.
Maraming Salamat sa inyo.. pinagaan nio ang loob ko. Binuhay nio ang buhay ko. Salamat
*Naks ang drama!*
As I arise from my slumber
your smoky shadows engulfs my being
Slipping into dreamless sleep
your presence felt
with whimsical urge
Cradling, lulling
like me
into the sweetness of soft rain
and falling leaves
I await;
Your mantle
embraces me
Caressing my now smiling flesh
Shimmering, sensing;
You come to me
in a whisper
In the caress of the breeze
Through my thoughts of uncertainty
with vivid pictures of home
Intoxicating, swirling
Diluting me
Readying;
and then...
a blank stare
a name?
I question my beloved
Engulfing every fiber in me
filling my day
I am :
Vulnerable
Trusting
The sun in my eyes;
I cease to be
When there is no more
YOU
-CALOI Suzara
Kindly comment on this thank you!! :)
ndi ba minsan nakakasawa na ang buhay magaaral. Parang bawat araw ay pare pareho na lang ang nangyayari. Gigising ka maliligo, tpos kakain o magsisipilyo, magbibihis. Basta depende sa pagkakasunod sunod pero pare-pareho lng tau ng ginagawa. Pagkatapos ng lhat ng yun tayo'y aalis na at pupunta sa kanya kanyang school. And iba magcocomyut at ang iba naman ay may sasakyang sarili. Iba't iba ang dinadaanan natin pero kadalasan pare pareho lang na may traffic. Swerte ko na lng na malapit lang ang skul ko. 2 trike at nandun na ako! may kamahalan nga lng ang bayad. pero anong magagwa ko kailangan pumasok eh khit sawang sawa na ako. Pagdating sa daluhasaan (ika nga ng aking retorika titser), ayun same same, magaaral. Papasukan ang mga subject at kung tinatamad di na papasok at tatambay na lng sa lung saan saan. Uulitin ko.. pareho na naman tau jan! pag tinamaan ng katamaran di na papasok. tama ba ako?! hehehe! ako aamin kadalasan tinatamad tlga akong pumasok kya tuloy FA kung minsan. Tinatamad ako sapagkat parang paulit ulit na lng ang ngyayari. Sabihin na nating may bagong topic sa ibang subject still pare parehong mukha, pare parehong main subject at sunod sunod ang mga subject! haaaay! nakakabaliw. pero bkit kya kpag kaibigan ang kasama mo araw araw sa iisang lugar lng tila di tau ngsasawa. Siguro gago lng ako na ayaw na talaga magaral. sa tingin mo?! ewan. Siguro nababato lng ako dahil parang ang tgal. Parang gusto ko ng kumawala at mamuhay katulad ng isang propesyonal. Pero syempre nakakatakot parin. Bigla ko tuloy naisip. handa na nga ba ako? bkit ako ngmamadali? Palagay ko pag akoy nkatapos na mamimiss ko rin ang routine ko bilang estudyante. yung pagkatapos ng lhat ng aral at gmik sa town (ahahah) uuwi na at magpapahinga at iisipin kung gnun parin ba ang takbo ng bukas. May sense pa b ko?! haaayyy tama na nga!
Palagay ko natututo na ko... Magtitiis na lang khit nkakasawa.. para rin naman sa akin to...
I have had all kinds of fears. First, I feared the dark, dogs and being forced to eat those yucky vegetables. Then I was afraid of failing in class, or not be accepted in school or not making it on top of the class. After that I was afraid of moving, passing my major subjects, not to mention bigger worries about murderers, or the house burning down or whatever, even the ailing economy.
So what am i afraid now? it all started when i was in fourth year. Everybody was like cheering upon passing our last examination. I slouched on my desk, with my head buried in my hands. The prospect of going to college didnot the least excite me and prompt me to cheer and toss papers around in class. I couldnt get over how fast time flew
The irony of it all is that I've been petitioning God on every first day of school to make the year roll by beyong the speed limit because I couldn't wait to ditch high school and face the outside world. Leave behind the ridicule of being just another average teen. Zoom past the first times and experiences that are supposed to mold and shape us into adults and help us find out who we really are and what we are cut to be.
Now i'm in college. Its been 4 years since i graduated high school and i've learned to deal with the fears i have. but sometimes i'm just not ready for it...
I've been in limbo lately. Even parties and gimmicks have failed to spark fire in my social life. A voice in the back of my head has been telling me there are better things to do, like reading a book, writing, or paint or sketch. So i haven't minded too much when my parents wouldn't let me go out.
Conceited, i've believed i'm too mature and too smart to need to deal with the highs and lows that come with my life. I've been hurrying through the years, envisioning graduation day when i kiss college goodbye and say "im outta here!"
Now that i am one year from graduating (hopefully) and finnaly facing the outside world, I am afraid i am not ready for it. I dont know what to do or what road i should take. So many things can happen that i don't want to get ahed of myself and aspire for something out of my league then be disappointed afterwards.
A recent newspaper article stated that the youth are satisfied with the way things are going at present. Most actually used the word "happy". Obviously, students in public schools, street children who work to survive and juvenile delinquents were not surveyed. How come nobody asked them? How come nobody asked me?
Am i the only one who's complaining? Not just about school but about sitting in three hour traffic, walking through yet another mall, counting the number of unfinished buildings, reading a newspaper filled with more depressing news than good and staring at street children who tap on the car window? and why can't the present situation be better?
Many times i wonder if i should just pack my bags and leave Who needs the traffic, the pollution, the overcrowding and the ineffective government? i dont have to care. But the when my mom tells me, "then youve been defaeted, Carlo". The guilt stings. I realize that I ca't turn my back and give up without trying. Despite mt fears about the uncertain future, about graduating the decision to stick it out is still mine to take.
Nais ko lang mangumusta sa mga tao! saglit na daan lamang. May mga pagkakataon kasi na tila sa tinggin ko nakakalimot na ako sa mga tao sa paligid ko. Di ko na napapansin ang mga pangyayari sa mga buhay buhay nila at di ko na sila nakakamusta. Nais kong malaman kung ano na? Kamusta na sila? aus lang ba sila? Naiisip pa kya nila ko?
Bkit may mga saglit na di ko sila naiisip. sana di ako nkakalimot... pero nakakalimot nga ba ko gayong naiisip ko sila ngayon? eto na naman ako... magulo ang paguutak.
yun lang. napadaan lang yun sa isipan ko kya napadaan ako ngayon dito... :)
last night was great... i kinda felt lighter after last night. i was able to cry it all out, to forget, to forgive, to think... just to feel at peace for a while. in a few days i'll be having i'll be getting older and hopefully more mature. Mature enough to deal with things going on in life.
anyway, last night was masaya talaga! khit ngkabukingan masaya parin, right peeps?! i dont know bout you guys but i realized a lot of things last night. Naisip ko na tlgang ibang iba kau! sa khit ano at khit sino nanjan kau! la lng! i appreciated you guys more.
la na ko maisip sabihin! sa susunod....
sa buhay ko may mga bgay akong di naiintindihan pero khit di ko pa ito maintindihan tanggap lang ako ng tanggap. May mga bagay na di na kailangang ipaliwanag... sadya na lang ngyayari. di natin maintindihan, di rin mapaliwanag ngunit tinatanggap natin. minsan iniisip ko na kahit magbebente na ko sa tinggin ko inosente parin ako sa mga bagay bgay. i'd like to think that there is still some innocence in me. im not just those mature people who live their lives without a care. i live my life with meaning, with purpose. although there are some unexplainable things which may seem like a mystery to me still that doesnt hinder me from living my ever-changing mystrious life.
eto na naman ako... magtatagalog.. tpos i'll switch to english. thats another unexplainable thing about me, for me.
gulo ko na naman noh! mei sense ba?
Kailangang bumangon. Kailangang labanan ang pagod ng katawan at ilayop ang sarili sa higaan. Kailangang kaladkarin ang paa sa malamig na sahig. Kailangang uminom ng tubig. Kailangang pumunta sa banyo at umihi. Tumae. Kailangang maligo. Kailangang buhusan ng tubig ang antok, sama ng loob at gutom. Kailangang kuskusin ang sarili ng labakara at sabon. Kailangang punasan ang katawan. Kailangang gamitin ang tuwalyang ilang lingo nang hindi nalalabhan. Kailangang magbihis upang magarang tignan. Kailangang magbihis ng magara upang tignan. Kailangang magsuklay, magpabango. Kailangang kumain. Kailangang kumain upang hindi manghina habang naghahanap ng pambili ng makakain. Kailangang uminom ulit. Kailangang kumain at uminom para bukas ay may maitae at may maiihing muli. Kailangang isipin kung anong kakainin bukas. Kailangang tanungin ang sarili kung nakabayad na sa koryente o nakaipon na ng pangmatrikula ng anak. Kailangang bilisan. Kailangang bilisan ang pag-iisip at pagkain ng ulam na matabang. Kailangan, kailangan, kailangan. Sa paghiga ng araw, kailangan naming matulog. Matulog dahil meron pang bukas, kung kalian kailangan na naming bumangon. O kaya matulo na lang nang mahimbinh na mahimbing, habang nakalibing
naasar ako! you guys wer suppposed to be here an hour ago and still youre not here! i havent even received one single text from any of you! m i just being impatient or is it alright that my blood s boiling because of waiting. i am used to waiting... waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for my food to be cooked, waiting for my name to be called, waiting in line, waiting for life to change... but i have never been tired of waiting... i guess just now!
how come in life we always wait!i am not complaining ok i am just asking and i dont think theres anything wrong with that. I was just wondering why we have to wait when evetually what weve been waiting for will come! parang pinapatagal pa! im gonna answer myself... maybe in that instance of waiting, that time is not yet the right time for it to come. everything has a purpose ika nga, kya siguro even the waiting part of life has a purpose. whatchatink?! am i still making sense?
now they've textd me! the 9 am miting was supposed to be at 1:30 pm pa daw! eh ok pla eh! i came here at around 9 am now theyre telling me that its been moved to 1:30! aus pla eh! how come paiba iba ang isip ng tao...di nila alam kung ano ang gusto nila at di alam kung anong oras na ba?! may sense ba?!
sometimes I wish so much that i could forget
the things that give me such unequalled grief
i wish not to remember them and yet
they come to me unwelcome like a theif
they come when i from company withdraw
when i, in silence and in quiet, stay
they come so deathly silent but they gnaw
through my heart as a rodent to its prey
they send me plunging down the deep ravine
where lies the failures of my anguished life
that in despair i sigh for what might have been
a life unhindered by a single strife....
-carlo suzara
I've been siting on this chair since 10 am this morning and i've been doing a lot of schoolwork. My minds been twisted and stretched already and i can seem to think straight. Everything so confusing and it's killing me, hanep pare ang gulo ng isipan ko! parang at one point i just want to break free... free myself from everything... from people, from work, from school, from life itself. psible ba yun?! ung sa ilang minuto man lng ika'y maging isang kaluluwa na lumulutang na wlang pakialam sa mga nangyayari sa mundo mo o sa mundo natin. kakaiba ung iniisip ko? siguro nga, pero ito'y dahil sa paghihirap na ating dinadanas ngayon.
I sit by my chair and the only solace i get is the solace i get from the cigarette that i'm smoking. i breathe out and out comes the this heavy feeling... and sarap!
hahahaha! la na akong msabi!
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