I have had all kinds of fears. First, I feared the dark, dogs and being forced to eat those yucky vegetables. Then I was afraid of failing in class, or not be accepted in school or not making it on top of the class. After that I was afraid of moving, passing my major subjects, not to mention bigger worries about murderers, or the house burning down or whatever, even the ailing economy.
So what am i afraid now? it all started when i was in fourth year. Everybody was like cheering upon passing our last examination. I slouched on my desk, with my head buried in my hands. The prospect of going to college didnot the least excite me and prompt me to cheer and toss papers around in class. I couldnt get over how fast time flew
The irony of it all is that I've been petitioning God on every first day of school to make the year roll by beyong the speed limit because I couldn't wait to ditch high school and face the outside world. Leave behind the ridicule of being just another average teen. Zoom past the first times and experiences that are supposed to mold and shape us into adults and help us find out who we really are and what we are cut to be.
Now i'm in college. Its been 4 years since i graduated high school and i've learned to deal with the fears i have. but sometimes i'm just not ready for it...
I've been in limbo lately. Even parties and gimmicks have failed to spark fire in my social life. A voice in the back of my head has been telling me there are better things to do, like reading a book, writing, or paint or sketch. So i haven't minded too much when my parents wouldn't let me go out.
Conceited, i've believed i'm too mature and too smart to need to deal with the highs and lows that come with my life. I've been hurrying through the years, envisioning graduation day when i kiss college goodbye and say "im outta here!"
Now that i am one year from graduating (hopefully) and finnaly facing the outside world, I am afraid i am not ready for it. I dont know what to do or what road i should take. So many things can happen that i don't want to get ahed of myself and aspire for something out of my league then be disappointed afterwards.
A recent newspaper article stated that the youth are satisfied with the way things are going at present. Most actually used the word "happy". Obviously, students in public schools, street children who work to survive and juvenile delinquents were not surveyed. How come nobody asked them? How come nobody asked me?
Am i the only one who's complaining? Not just about school but about sitting in three hour traffic, walking through yet another mall, counting the number of unfinished buildings, reading a newspaper filled with more depressing news than good and staring at street children who tap on the car window? and why can't the present situation be better?
Many times i wonder if i should just pack my bags and leave Who needs the traffic, the pollution, the overcrowding and the ineffective government? i dont have to care. But the when my mom tells me, "then youve been defaeted, Carlo". The guilt stings. I realize that I ca't turn my back and give up without trying. Despite mt fears about the uncertain future, about graduating the decision to stick it out is still mine to take.
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