I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply... without problems or pride... I love you in this way because i dont know any other way of loving but thus, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that ur hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when i fall asleep it is your eyes that close - PABLO NERUDA
Imagine how great the power of love is. How mysterious it is and how it can make you do things you cannot comprehend.We dont know how to love a person and yet we love them. We dont know from where this feeling came and yet we continue loving. You give your all even if it seems like its not enough and yet thats the only way you know how to love. Together you feel... together you see. Imagine how magical it is.
I wish i were with someonewho could bring peace to my heart - SOMEONE WITH WHOM I COULD SPEND A LITTLE TIME WITH WITHOUT BEING AFRAID THAT I WOULD LOSE HER THE NEXT DAY... - PAULO COELHO
but love is not all about magic and spark. There are moments that you need reassurance. There are times when you think if your love is enough to keep a relationship going. There are situations when you need to decide if you should let go and say a cheezy line ... "i love you but goodbye". And there are times when you know what you have at the moment is not for a lifetime because of the cruelty of life (keng...) I know the feeling... I guess we all do.
Despite the horrible pain love inflicts on us.. still we cant help but continue loving. What does love have that makes it seem so intoxicating and so pleasureable?! Indeed love is a mystery. We take a dose of it and get addicted. I guess thats what makes love a "wantable" feeling... the balance between the pleasure and the pain. So why stop loving.. take a ride on it. It may make you go crazy but it truly is a wonderful rollercoaster adventure.
There are a lot of things in this world that I just cant seem to understand. Small cruelties that may seem big depending on the perspective of one person.
Hospitals for example. How come there are so many papers you need to sign before you finally get into a room and have yourself operated or checked. What if its an emergency? What if you are about to die alone and your mom cant get in your room because no matter how hard she begs and cries the nurses wont let her in since she has papers to sign? Remember this film about a med student who just wanted to make the sick happy by giving them laughter but then he was continually bombarded with issues of either his "methods" were not accepted or that his giving of free medication without a license was not right? I saw that film just a while ago and it made me think. Why cant we just give without asking anything in return? Are we not made to care for each other? to look out for one another? to survive or try to survive by helping others to survive? Hospital situations wherein one has to have money to be medicated truly saddens me. Sometimes insurance isnt enough. Or your healthcard doesnt cover your operation...the stories of the ill-fated sick goes on and on. Cant we do something about it? Yes there are a lot who go out of their way to somehow break this injustice. But are they enough. I am certain that these kind of people are only a handful. Sad isnt it?!
How about getting mugged? Or walking on the street with a backpack on your shoulder without knowing that someones behind you stealing your wallet or your cellphone? Suddenly its too late when you realize youve been mugged. With the way you walk and the area you are in you are certain somebody saw that someone was stealing from you.. and yet nobody chose to speak or not even react or try to stop the robber from getting your wallet.. What if your whole life savings was there?! what if your last money to get to your sick grandmother was there?! And just because some bystanders were either apathetic or afraid, your grandmother dies alone in her deathbed. Sad isnt it?!
How about employment problems?! What if you are an undergraduate incapable of getting a job just because you are not a college graduate? You had no money to continue your studies so you choose to work. Because of poverty you try to look for even the simplest of work. Nobody hires you because you have no college degree or maybe worse, not even a highschool diploma?!Employers think of you as someone stupid so they reject you?! Now you have no other choice but to be a prostitute or a callboy just to have something to put on the dining table?! Just because some think your are "mentally incapacitated" because of your lack in education, you have no other choice but to destroy your life. Sad isnt it?!
The world can be truly judgmental and cruel most of the time. But does it always have to be this way? Can't we do something about it?! Change starts from one person i know but it doesnt grow big if only one person or a handful of good people are the only ones initiating this change. It is never too late to do good. It is never too late to give. The world can be a sad place to live in but it can also be a pleaseant place to live in if we make that change. Think about it.
Its been a while since i last made my entry here. Time has not been that good to me the past few months. The clock has been ticking against me and my will and it hasnt been good to others as well.
The months passed without without me being in a place where i truly want to be in. In some moments fate judges me as if I were on my last walk to my goal. I havent acheived much of my own goal since certain people and situations hinder me from having hold the things Ive longed for for so long.
Time has worked against my capability to love. It has been a baricade from pursuing the person who i want to spend time with (not again). Although attachments of the other party is, well, a very big factor ( and i mean huge ). Still that doesnt stop me from showing this love i have ... this feeling i have. Nothing stops me from doing this... except for time. My time.. or Her time.. It doesnt matter. What it boils down to is that every second has been spent on not so important shit. Well, if it is important its not what will make me, and hopefully us, happy.
It hasnt been all bad for me. I mean, it has been cruel but not all the time. I have had days when I hang out and chill or even get drunk with very good friends. These are moments I truly, truly cherish. But then again these moments are short lived. Its either I have a curfew, or they have a curfew or we just have to go our separate ways for some unavoidable circumstance.
Cant I just get a knife or a bolo and try cutting myself into pieces without bleeding? Or better yet clone myself... complete with my personality and my gestures.. and just spend time with each and every person, movement or organization that wants or needs me. This way everyone will be pleased. My friends will have more gimiks with me. My parents would not always get mad if Im not home again. Organizations I am part of will better utilize me and my "skills". And I would have more time for myself... to on a deserted island and spend a day or two alone. And if I dont need the clones anymore... I could just put them inside the closet and bring them out again if I need them.
Clearly what I am trying to imagine cannot be done. Well its only wishful thinking. There are just moments in ones life when you start to think of the apathy of time. How fast it goes, or sometimes how slowly it moves or sometimes how it isnt enough. Well thats just the way life goes. I guess it is just a matter of responsibility of your own time and giving considerations to the time of others. Life is a give and take situation. Give what time wants and time will eventually give you what you need.
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